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  • Writer's pictureWilliam Murray

Becoming More Confident

Two great difficulties a lot of people in our group report is that memories trigger grief, and that they are constantly experiencing various doubts, fears and insecurities when it comes to their ongoing communication and interaction with their partners - which can also trigger states of grief.

You might ask yourself a question; if you knew without a doubt that your partner still exists, still loves you, is giving you all of those signs, is with you all the time; that it is actually them, right there, when you imagine them with you; that they hear everything you say to them; that you will at some point actually be fully reunited physically in a wonderful afterlife world ... would you still experience grief? When you access your memories with them, would they still be painful, or as painful?

To know something is to be completely convinced that something is factual and true. Most people think that becoming 100% convinced about a thing is something that happens to them. We are also often taught that to have doubts, to be skeptical is a good, healthy thing. Most of the time, the above is valid; we are usually convinced by external events, and doubt/skepticism is usually a very useful tool to keep us out of a lot of trouble and problems.

For many, the grief and doubt subside when they gather up enough evidence, or have enough experiences that help to convince them their partners are still with them, that they are in fact still interacting and communicating, and that they do still have a wonderful, satisfying and enjoyable future together. This is something that can accumulate over time and experience.

For many others, though, the doubt and resulting grief can be pernicious. Perhaps they don't have as many convincing experiences; perhaps they are, for whatever reason, more prone to doubt and skepticism. It also does not help if the people and the world around us constantly behave as if our partner no longer exists and that we are being foolish or even delusional in our efforts to continue and develop our relationships. Usually, the amount of events and experiences that help to convince us of our partner's continued presence and interaction is far outweighed by the constant onslaught of experiences, events, thoughts, and information that tell us otherwise.

For example, just not being able to see, touch or hear them every day as we used to is ongoing, constant support of the idea that the are gone and no longer exist. How people behave around us and towards us also usually supports that painful idea. We are usually lucky to get a good, supportive external bit of experience once or twice a mo45nth, while that which is attempting to convince us otherwise is usually a constant, continuous stream from multiple sources.

And so, largely because of this, recalling those sweet memories of our partners, which is our most direct, actual, easy, efficient, immediate internal access to them, continues to engulf us in grief. We are not convinced it is them, we don't know we are actually interacting with them in the internal world which they share with us. We are more convinced otherwise, because if we were really convinced it is them, it would only feel good.

The process of being convinced from external sources of our continued relationship with our partners, such as through signs, synchronicities, sight, sound, touch, mediumship readings, etc., can be a long, tough road. People want external, objective evidence and facts. I know of someone who had a fully physical, several hour visitation from her dead husband, when she was wide awake, shortly after he died, and still lived in grief for the rest of her life. She had later becoming convinced it was a hallucination of some sort.

Doubt, insecurity and fear can undermine our confidence in any and all external evidence, to the point of becoming utterly blind to it, even causing us to not remember things that assured and comforted us when they happened.

My point is, we can help the process of becoming convinced and confident by choosing to believe and using some relatively simple methods to deliberately convince ourselves that our partner is still with us, can hear us, interacts with us, and is there, actually there, when we access them internally. This simple method is by just telling ourselves, over and over, that they are here with us, that it is actually them when we reach out to them via memories or thought, that every possible sign is a an actual sign, etc. Tell yourself the story of them being with you right now, laughing with you, eating with you, going for drives with you, talking, watching television, movies, right here, right now, as you are living your life. Say, "I know you are right here with me. I know that when I think of you, imagine you, or remember you, that is really you, with me, thinking those thoughts with me. You are here with me now. It feels wonderful, I can feel you, I can hear you. I know you love me. I know we have a great present and future." Or something along those lines.

This is something you can do both out loud and silently, to yourself. Doing this repetitively actually rewires your brain physically, and reprograms your subconscious into believing at a deep level. We're constantly in a battle with programming coming at us from multiple sources in the outside world that is usually not helpful, even harmful to our emotional well-being, and we also have our current inner programming that causes doubt, insecurity and fear. Relying on what may be, for many, scarce supportive events to fully convince us may be a balance that keeps us in grief the rest of our lives, and prevent us from the entirely joyful access to that sweet internal connection with our partner we call "memories."

Irene and I had already been using these techniques for other things long before she died. I immediately started afterward and did this constantly, even during the worst of the grief. It gave me a clear focus and a solid direction on what to do every day. I was committed to believing, to knowing, to being 100% convinced. I was not going to leave it up to sporadic, external events I could not count on to overcome both all of my internal doubts and the constant negative information from the external world.

Yes, I still read, watched and listened to sources of information and evidence, and paid attention to signs, sensations, and synchronicities, but I believe this daily, ongoing practice was very important to my process of becoming confident, eliminating doubt, and being able to fully enjoy all of my internal interactions with Irene. I also believe this practice put me in a more receptive state to receive her influences, her touch, her signs and other interactions.

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08 ago 2023

Along these lines, I will quote something I read here

There are communities in which hearing voices frequently is common and expected, and in which participants are not expected to have a need for care. This paper compares the ideas and practices of these communities. Voice Hearing in Community We observe that these communities utilize cultural models to identify and to explain voice-like events—and that there are some common features to these models across communities. All communities teach participants to “discern,” or identify accurately, the legitimate voice of the spirit or being who speaks. We also observe that there are roughly two methods taught to participants to enable them to experience spirits (or other invisible beings): trained attention to inner experience, and repeated…

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08 ago 2023

Good suggestions. Many modern scientists suggest that we have been programmed since childhood to experience "reality" the way we do. Once we realize that, there's no reason we can't change the programming if we want/need to. Maybe ordinarily, it's not worth the effort but the passing of a loved one is enough motivation to do that work. 😏

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