One Sign Doesn't Fit All

The first sign I received from Scott after his death was sent through the clouds.

After Scott’s death, when the pain was so overwhelming I couldn’t breathe, my body shaking like an earthquake, sobs erupting like a volcano, and my head throbbing from the pain and loss, I would strip off my clothes and head for the soaking tub in our cabin in the forest.

Filling up the bathtub with hot water, I would sob my heart out, shattered in pieces; never-ending pieces of my heart fell into the bath water. I was in so much pain, I didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t understand how this pain could be so severe. I mean, I knew Scott was gone, and my heart was broken forever, still the pain was so intense, it broke me.

Now I know, my heart was breaking and a new heart with a bigger capacity to love and connect with Scott was being born.

Sitting in the bathtub, folded over in pain, I felt a strong nudge to look out the window. Out in the distance, clouds were forming like a fast train roaring towards me. When they reached me, I watched as one of the clouds formed into Scott as Captain America and beside him was me! 

Me! I was dressed in a superhero outfit. I heard Scott so clearly back then—a telepathic message: “We are superheroes together.” Hit with an immense relief of the pain and grief, I started laughing. My sobs turned into laughter, and I knew, yes, he is alive, he is alive. He’s here!

I didn’t care if I was hallucinating or anyone thought I was crazy. I got the message loud and clear. We were in this together.

Scott loved Marvel films. Before he transitioned, as soon as a Marvel film was released, we were at the movies.

His favorite character is Captain America.

Captain America has a soulmate. Her name is Peggy Carter. Their story spans decades, beginning in World War II when they fell in love. It is a timeless soulmate connection. They found each other against impossible odds, only to be torn apart time after time, before they could truly be together. After decades of separation while the other remained frozen in time, they were eventually reunited over the years, choosing to step backward into the past so they could finally live out a full, quiet lifetime, growing old hand in hand as soulmates.

When Scott was fully in the physical, he played Captain America films for me all the time. Within a half-hour of starting the movies, I was fast asleep on his chest.

I didn’t know the full story of Captain America and his soulmate connection with Peggy until my niece visited a couple of weeks ago.

She is a Marvel comics nut, and she is Scott’s favorite in the family.

When she stayed over with us a couple of weeks ago, I walked into the living room and found her watching a Marvel film. I pride myself on knowing a bit about the Marvel series of films myself and started talking to her about Thor, Guardians of the Galaxy (my favorite), and Captain America.

Being a fifteen-year-old, she was pretty impressed with my knowledge. Then I asked her, “Didn’t Captain America have a girlfriend?”

“Yes, he did. Peggy Carter.”

“Did they end up with each other in the end? Did he ever date anyone else?”

“Yes, he did date someone else, but it didn’t work out. He never got over Peggy. In the end, he laid down the mantle of being Captain America; he passed the legendary shield to his trusted friend, and went back in time to find Peggy and live out their lives together.”