What My Daily Communication With My Dead Wife Is Actually Like

One of the topics that was discussed discussed in a zoom meeting I attended yesterday was about how to have an actual conversation with our crossed-over spouses. While a few people are blessed with the ability to actually hear their partners, most of us don't have that ability, myself included.

Several people described their conversations with their partners and how they do it. While it is easy enough for us on our side of the conversation to talk to them, understanding how to start interpreting their side of the conversation can be the tricky part.

I'll describe how this occurs for me.

Example: If I'm feeling hungry, I say to Irene, just by talking out loud, "I'm getting hungry, what should we make for lunch?" Pretty much immediately an idea for what to make, or a couple of ideas, will pop in my head. Usually one idea has more "push" in it than others. I say, "Okay, babe, that sounds good, let's make that." I'll go in and start setting the basic ingredients on the counter. I'll ask, "What else should we put in this?" and ideas will pop in my head, or I'll rummage through the fridge, freezer or pantry and usually I'll notice something and it has a little "push" to it, and I'll say, "Yep, I bet that would be good."

Other thoughts might pop in my head like one that did recently, "you're not taking the time to make the food taste good. You've got plenty of time, why are you hurrying through it?" and I said, "Yeah, you're right. I don't really know why I'm doing that lately." Another thought pops in my head, "You stopped thinking that I'm also actually eating that food too," and I respond, "Well, you can eat the astral food and I'm sure it's much better than anything I can make." Then the thought pops in my head, "I'd rather eat the food you make us," and my heart just kind of leaps and I laugh and smile.

After I make the food, I go in the living room, sit down and say, "Let's see if there's anything good to watch on TV," because we always used to watch TV together while eating. I'll say, "if there's something you want to watch, let me know." Usually I'll feel a little push to go to a streaming service, look through few titles, see what pops up on the feed. There might be something that just pops up that immediately looks interesting.

The other day we did this entire process and via this interaction I made an entirely new chili and rice dish with ingredients and spices I had never used before: a can of Wendy's chili, a box of Zatarain's cilantro and lime rice, sauteed chopped fresh onion and jalapenos, salt, butter, and a heavy dose of a citrus meat rub someone gave me recently and that I've never used. It actually felt like a collaborative effort, the two of us making this meal together, and that shit was absolutely freaking delicious!!

I felt that little push to go to the YouTube movie selection, and there as a new movie there I'd never seen before: "Ever After," with Drew Barrymore. I immediately felt like that was the one to watch. It was a charming retelling of the Cinderella story, with several specific things in it that were very meaningful to us.

The thing is, we've apparently always had this form of communication during our entire relationship; but I just didn't think of it this way. I don't know how many times we've said to each other, "You must have been reading my mind," but we didn't really think of it much as actually reading each other's mind.

Sometimes I can be doing something and a thought will just pop in my head out of the blue, like "it's trash day" or an image of her, or a strong sense of needing to lay down and visit with her in our shared mental space for a while.

Often during Zoom meetings people might notice that I'll suddenly start laughing (although I'm muted) at an inappropriate time; it's because this highly inappropriate but hilarious thought just popped in my head that matches Irene's rather wicked sense of humor and her unfiltered nature when it came to those kinds of comments.

That's what our daily, ongoing communication with each other is like, for the most part. It's fun, normal and easy. It really only took me understanding that these conversations were already taking place, and had always been taking place between us; I just hadn't yet identified it as such.